ENPages
p.
Letter No. 2. Wednesday. 11th March Major J. H. Massey 6. Palestinian Corp, the Buffs M.E.F.
My own sweet darling Barbara, I am really far from my best for writing to you. I was up at 6-30 this morning, & have been running about ever since. And having to think quite hard - & now it is 9-30 pm, I feel rather sleepy. But, as usual, I want to begin - so I will try. The trouble is that this time again, I feel very serious about various things - & I certainly do not feel equal to coping with such things tonight. So I will just push on & see what happens. I had your no. 82 today - 81 being missing - you were in a bad mood, poor darling, in the midst of bad weather & snow & Maxie with a cold, & another blank patch in my letters. I went to see the officer to the A.P.O. today, & he was grumbling too, as his wife had been suffering like you. He was inclined to agree with me that much valuable space in aircraft had been taken up with Generals & the like [cripping ? home for a few days Xmas leave. If this really is true, it is a bloody shame. And I feel that is is. I also had an AG from Parch - Eileen is having a baby in May - & he & Frank & Gordon are well & they all think of me & talk about me. It is [hell underlined] when you think that they are now in England still. I was within a few days of being transferred back to the 7th again. You asked me in a recent letter what my weight is - I have already replied to say I really did not know, but I am thinner. Well - I popped myself on some scales in the chemists the other day, & found that I was 12 st 12 lbs, which is about 12 lbs more than when I left England. I just did not believe this - & so found an accurate R.A.F. weighing machine, &
p.
& I was still 12st 12lbs. It is amazing really, because I certainly appear to be thinner - & I have gone back a hole in my Sam Browne - & have had to have new holes put in my cloth belt. I suppose I really must be very fit & healthy, & I have put on bone & muscle & taken off fat. It was always the same with me when I was younger - in the summer, I used to get lighter, & then put on weight when I was playing football & was taking off fat. I shall have to try & have enough fresh air & exercise after the war. Are you doing your exercises, darling? You must do. We shall both need to be very strong & fit, in order to stand up to the desire which we will have for each other when we meet again. It is difficult to realise just how out of touch with each other we really are. Your letters which I am receiving now are still hoping that I may be posted home from my first application. And yet that is ancient history for me, & I am now anxiously awaiting the result of my 2nd application. I'm beginning to be afraid that the answer is now almost overdue - which means failure again. And so I am now working myself into that defencive frame of mind, in order to prepare myself for the eventual actual disappointment. You have been talking in your last letters about the inexorable, in human system, & how we are only small cogs in this vast machine. And I must agree. But I still cannot bring myself to believe that my only hope for return to you is the end of the war. What I shall do when the actual negative reply does arrive I do not know. But I cannot feel myself doing nothing. But I must wait for it - & then decide. Thank you darling one, very much, for my birthday parcel which arrived yesterday. Late - but safe. The Balzac I'm sure I shall enjoy. The socks will be v. useful,
p.
& I [so underlined] much prefer socks knitted by you, both sentimentally & practically. And I love my hankie from Maxie - it was kind of him, considering he is so poor. I will let you know how I get on with Balzac. I have not read any before - is that dreadful? I am not reading much, I am always reading something, I have just finished "Childhood.Boyhood. & Youth", & which I enjoyed v. much. The end is rather abrupt - does he go on with his life in another book? I have read two v. interesting & enlightening small books by D.N. Pritt, K.C., M.P. - "Light on Moscow" - & "Russia, Our Ally." They both made me livid with rage at the dishonesty of our Government - & the latter is interesting on the subject of what is Socialism & Communism as applied by Russia. I also started "Russia" by Bernard Pares, but put it down because it seemed rather sentimental & shallow. But I have been asked by an intelligent man in the corp to carry on, as it gets over that phase. I also buy from time to time, the Penguin New Writing. Some of it seems quite good to me, but much of it rubbishy - & apparently thinking that outspokenness is an excuse for all other faults. I enclose a poem it may be v. dense & uneducated & backward. But I have read it several times & I still think that it is balls. I shall finish "Russia" now, as recommended & then go on with Balzac. As you say, my list is not conducive to an evening's reading - & I am kept fairly busy, & I do like to write to you & [?] & think about you. To bed, & so lonely. Kisses, Kisses, from Harry
p.
Thursday - 12 Mar. I am going to waste my time tonight by going to see an Eusa concert at the station here. But I expect it will be quite amusing, & it does me good to relax in such a way. You told me in your letter that you were reading a book by Celine - & that after 300 pages, you had just about had enough. Now darling, I am inclined to think that it is doubtful if such books are worth reading at all or at any time - & I am sure that they are bad for you with so much sorrow not far behind you, & your present life not very happy or satisfactory. What I mean is - compare the pleasure which you obtained from Childhood, Boyhood, & Youth - with being nauseated, even in a gripping way, by a French modern, who will probably be forgotten in a few years time. It seems to me that you are needlessly punishing yourself. I remember you reading The Grapes of Wrath in the nursing home at Shipley. When I read it, I thought that it was brilliant & absorbing, but I marvelled at how you could go on reading it at that time. No body, no matter how strong their minds or intelligence, should read such books unless their minds are free troubles & tragedies. And I do not think that is a weak minded outlook. You are very much better read than most people, but there must be many of the accepted classics which you have not read, & which would be much more comforting, & even stimulating reading for you. You said recently that you could not settle down to read & understand & grasp the differences
p.
between our political parties, & systems of Government & so on. And perhaps I would inform myself & then be in a position to make things very clear to you, when I come home. But I am not too well placed for doing this, though I am very much better informed than I used to be. Friday - March 13th The concert was pretty silly, but I rather enjoyed it. Tonight, I have had to attend a corp concert of a Jewish brass band, which was more bloody than I can possibly describe, & I feel awful. I think I will go to bed & read for 1/2 hour - & continue this tomorrow. XX Sunday - March 15th. I must get on with this letter now & finish it & post it in the morning. My last letter was March 9th & you will be accusing me of idleness. But it is really not that. It just seems more difficult to settle down at the moment. I am keyed up about packing house - & I have had rather a lot of extra work & reports to do - & I have been doing more talking to Ben & Kalk in the Mess than usual, as I am not yet accustomed to the loneliness of my room without Peter. I have just re-read on [p.u. ?] my advice to you on what you should read & it really sounds rather ignorant. Celine may easily be a master, for all I know, & survive for centuries. But I was just trying to say that such books are upsetting for you - whereas there are so many books which soothe & comfort, & stimulate too. Also, some of these brilliant moderns are so outspokenly sexy, & that must just unsettle you too, & only underline the dreadful repression of the present, the last 18 months. Ben tells me that a wonderful book to read is "By Fire & Sword" by Adam [ ?], a 19th century
